My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
