**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
