I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
