There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
