Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
