i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
