My first STD was from a foam party
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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