I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
