You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
