yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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