Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
