There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
