I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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