Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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