Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
