What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
