are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
