I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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