Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
