I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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