The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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