Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
