I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
