Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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