I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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