You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
