is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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