I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
