Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
