Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
