I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize