I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
