Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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