Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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