If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize