Pappa wants mamma naked
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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