2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
