I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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