I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
