Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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