I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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