okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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