It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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