Your tits are I can't wait for
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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