i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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