Me. At least after what I've been through.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
