i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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