god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
