You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
