I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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