he wants to bone in the snuggie
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
