If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
