So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
