Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
