Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
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