my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
