Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
