Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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