you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize