dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
