i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
