that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
