just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
