God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
