eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
